How We Talk to Children Matters

I touched the 9-year-old, shaggy haired boy on his tense left shoulder after talking to him about his tendency to be disruptive at school.

“I talk to you like I talk to my own son,” I told him, smiling. “It’s kind of odd in a way, but I guess it’s the clearest way I know how to talk to kids.”

The boy shoved his hands deeper into his blue and black checkered shorts and gazed right past me, tears in his eyes.

“Well, you talk to your son kind of different,” he said, biting his trembling lip. “My mom doesn’t say stuff like this to me. She says things like, ‘You are a dumb ass. And a loser. And stupid.’ That’s the kind of stuff my mom says to me.”

He didn’t actually say thank you for our little talk, but I could hear the words, somehow, in his voice.

And our conversation reminded me that the words and the body language that we use when we talk to the children and youth in our lives matters. Cruel words do deep, cutting damage – damage that is difficult to repair.

The way that I talked to my young friend was not unusual, in my view. I just spoke to him with respect – reminded him that I cared about him, and that as part of that caring, I had to correct him when he was wrong. I reminded him of his good traits, including his sense of humor and his willingness to reach out to kids that were different from him. And then, we talked about areas where he needed to put in a bit of extra work.

The formula for talking to young people is not complex – but just because it’s simple doesn’t mean it’s not important.